anOmahata

I never know where to start with these, but I've got to start somewhere. I have journeyed through so many tabula rasa phases in my creative and healing process, but it was always in relation to the old projects and redesigning or restructuring them. We exist in a new world now, where the creative and medicine work that I've spent the last couple decades developing and refining cause the average person to slowly Homer back into the hedge. I have realized that the more I made my work about healing, the less anyone was interested in it, and when given the opportunity to heal root traumas with Peruvian Amazon medicines, the average person will create a list of reasons why they aren't really ready to heal yet, so I've stepped back from both of those, and..... where am I now? What am I now?

I've spent my entire life hiding from people who knew me when I was younger, which includes people I meet now, and also my behavior as a child... hiding from anyone who might know the idiot I was yesterday, because I am apparently forever not good enough. Either that, or I have an irrational fear of just being normal and boring, but maybe that's just what I am? I have decades worth of writing in blogs that document my journey, but there was a part of me that was always safe behind playing the characters that I created in the pseudonyms. Now I'm just me, or trying to be me, and I'm not sure I know who that is, or if I really like that person.

At the end of the day, all the energy I put into building something beautiful has been rendered null and void, falling significantly short of what I was hoping to do. That has also created a bigger problem, because I am now in the process of finding work that I love, but if you Google my name I don't exist, and as I mentioned before, if I include my pseudonym in the application process here, in Omaha, Nebraska, not many folks out here understand, and in all fairness assume the worst. How we managed to end up in Omaha is another post, but that's where we are. That is also what inspired the title of the blog, in a kind of blind faith that those who find this understand what Anahata means, and the significance of Om, together with the appearance of Omaha in those two being combined. I think that is beyond profound, primarily because I feel like I lost my heart and divinity somewhere along our journey here, but I would rather assume that we ended up in this only state of the union which is triple landlocked, thus making it the heart by default, to find our hearts and divinity. To sum up the earlier thought, if you Google my name, a bunch of acting stuff I did from over a decade ago comes up, which is somewhat embarrassing.

I am going to abruptly sum this up with a recent quote from my own reading journey that will probably leave anyone with more questions that answers.

"Sometimes, the thing you think is happening is not the thing that is happening. This is true of life. Much of what you think life is, is not what it is. Sometimes you see an action happening and it's not what is really going on. Other things are going on that you cannot see. And if you take your version as real, you will continue disagreeing with life and having lots of opinions. If you are empty of opinions, you discover a synchronicity that you cannot deny. There is a higher power working beyond and behind the human mind that is coordinating things beyond our capacity to comprehend as a person. Live as though it is already your truth." ~ Mooji